SEARCHING FOR REAL LOVE IN THE BLACK COMMUNITY
When I want to tune out from high-vibrational activities like reading the Bible, painting, or writing another blog no one else will probably ever read, I will turn to more visceral activities just to pass the time. Lately, I’ve been watching the YSL trial and podcasts like Shannon Sharpe’s, “Club Shay Shay” and Cam Newton’s, “Funky Friday.” There’s something to be said about Black men providing digital content for the American Black community that’s both engaging and entertaining. But the more American Black men show up in the media, the more I realize that something feels off, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until I watched Cam Newton’s recent podcast with the renowned Relationship expert, Dr. Cheyenne Bryant.
I like “Funky Friday,’ better than “Club Shay Shay,” because Cam is more introspective. Shannon’s podcast is strictly for entertainment purposes. The show is filled with gossip and big personalities who have the opportunity to lick their wounds and pour out their heart to settle scores on Shannon’s couch while sipping on his premium cognac. But Cam’s topics seem to resonate with people in the Black community who’ve maintained a certain level of success and now want to gloat about their success while telling you the journey they took to get there.
I’ve listened to guests like Charleston White, who strategically explained how to transition from the gangsta life to the life of a community activist, and Iyanla Vanzant, an American inspirational speaker who worships false gods and speaks with a sound of credibility. There is some depth to these discussions, but the conversations reveal some other hidden issues—many of these digital media platforms are rooted in bad behavior. There’s a rebelliousness that defies structural norms, and it manifests in the lives of these men—especially those American Black men from the South like Shay Shay and Cam.
Shay Shay is an unmarried Black man with three children, all the same age, by three different mothers. His sexual orientation has been questioned, but he still presents himself as an alpha male. The kind who hides his truth in the closet, unwilling to face it. Cam, on the other hand, is an unmarried man with eight kids by three different women. His sexual prowess is obvious essential to his identity.
During slavery, Black men were forced to watch as their families were torn apart, and it seems like that disregard for family persists today. It’s become normalized for Black men to father multiple children with different women, without any sense of responsibility toward building a stable family. Cam, a self-proclaimed Christian, has taken on this “alpha male” image to the extreme—he’s more committed to his image than to the lives of his own children. He embodies the persona of Legba, the Haitian loa, with his long trench coats, tall hats, cigars, and a bottle of brown liquor in hand.
In his most recent episode with Dr. Cheyenne Bryant, I found myself disheartened by the display. There were two successful Black people, both high achievers, still struggling with relationships and behavioral issues, as they pretended to be experts.
At first, I was vibing with Dr. Bryant as she introduced herself and reflected on her personal status. Her advice, to the women watching was a mix of Mary J. Blige’s, No More Drama and Lauryn Hill’s sophomore Album, wrapped in a Black boogie-down agony that defines black love. Dr. Bryant revealed she is still in search of love, just like Cam. She speaks about being a “high-value” woman, deserving of a “high-value ” man, because she has been successful, she has survived much, and grew up with disfunction in her family structure. She has achieved great and now she is in search of a “high-value” man to match her “level.” Though she uses fancy terminology to describe her wants it all boils down to she wants a man that can provide for her materially and emotionally—because that is what she has to offer to any man. In her mind love is that image in the picture frame of the happy family standing in front of a beautiful house with a white picket fence, a few children, marketing lies whitewashing love with money and status. Love isn’t about how fly you dress or how much money you have and is certainly not about meeting arbitrary standards.
Cam too, sees himself as “high-value” and this can’t be denied given his determination, success and wealth. It’s been displayed for the world to see through social media. His performance as a football hero, although tainted by a few missteps and his net worth is indeed respectable. He pretends to be a family man, as he boasts of his eight kids and three baby mamas—and he is ready to add more to his “collection.” His focus is not on loving one woman, according to him his fear of divorce is greater than his desire for marriage. Instead he spreads himself in pretend family structures one over here and another over there. He is searching for that next beauty-chick to spawn another seed and has little time to consider the impact his behavior has on his own children.
I think about a story I know—it is what I would described as being in a loving relationship. There’s this guy I know that is in love with his childhood sweetheart. His sweetheart is a crack addict. She was beautiful once, but years of addiction have taken their toll. She is tired, beat down, toothless and pimped out. Once I asked him why he still lovers her, he said, “I see her the same today as when we were kids.” That’s love. It’s not about appearances, status, or fitting into a certain mold. Love just is.
As I listened to Cam and Dr. Bryant debate back and forth, it struck me how immature they both were. They kept talking about “high-value” people as if love can be measured in dollars, looks, or status. But love is not so decisive or predictable. Individuals may have an idea of what love looks like, and you try to find it out there in this world—but there are countless disappointments. Finding a love is like searching for a needle in a haystack, especially when you have a fraudulent list of what that looks like.
Dr. Bryant mentioned she’s been in several relationships and has turned down marriage proposals, but still, she would consider dating a 27-year-old “high-value” man at 41. A serious red flag: warning, warning. She is so desperate for this image of love that she would step down to coddle a boy. The only caveat is he has to be “high-value,” as if that is something tangible.
Cam and Dr. Bryant are both caught up in this idea that being “high-value” is the key to building a successful relationship. They overlook all the work, love, laughter, fights, and sacrifices that establish the foundation for any relationship. But love doesn’t work like that. It’s not a respecter of status, and it’s not something you can buy or negotiate. Love is about sacrifice, and you don’t know that you’re in love until you are already in action—turning it on or off is not allowed when you fall in love. To present this on a podcast by two individuals who are clearly broken and searching is odd—but we live in a world where experience is no longer the best teacher and inexperience is valid if it comes with accolades and wealth. Many individuals from the Black community often seek definitions and advice from social media influencers who lack substance, resulting in guidance that is impractical.
The challenge narratives like Cam and Dr. Bryant presents is this idea that you will eventually find a “high-value” relationships that brings you a certain level of happiness—if you yourself have your morals and values together. As if opposites don’t attract. People will grasps onto this misleading narrative as they enter relationship after relationship with false expectations. If you want to find real love, I would suggest reading, James Baldwin’s, If Beale Street Could Talk—then you will discover what real love is about. In that story, Tish stands by Fonny, who is accused of a heinous crime, even though he has nothing to offer but his love. That’s real sacrifice. That’s real love.
Cam and Dr. Bryant, and others like them, are missing the point. They’re leaders in our community, but the example they’re setting is one based on superficiality. Their focus on finding “high-value” people misses the deeper truth: love isn’t about wealth, status, or image. Love just is.
